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Broken Trust, Broken Home

by Victoria Dillen


 

The stairs creaked. I clutched the covers, submerging my whole being into them, until I was buried with my face barely showing. My racing heart was pounding so loud.

Can he hear it?

The stair creaked louder, as every inch of my being strained to hear, dreading the steps I heard.

If I scream, will he go away? Why is he doing…?

The door opened. Lying in bed, my back to the door, I hoped it appeared I was asleep, hoped he would leave. He came to the other side of the bed.

“You stayed home from school,” he said quietly as he lay across the double bed, his face unbearably close.

I could hardly breathe as I opened my eyes, and managed, “Yeah, I wasn’t feeling well.” Not because I was physically sick, but emotionally I was almost destroyed by confusion and fear of what had been happening.

“Well, you get some rest,” he said as he leaned closer and gave what was not a father/daughter kiss. I lay frozen, petrified, as he left my room and went down the creaking stairs, and left for work.

I wanted to scream, run, hide, but the terror that kept me silent as he left my room engulfed my whole being. I trembled as I wiped my mouth with the sheet. I wanted to scrub it all away. The last two days were a nightmare of surreal events that left me panicked and helpless. Dad’s strange behavior, the unwanted and unfamiliar touches, all left me confused and frightened. Unanswered questions screamed in my mind. 

Why is Dad doing this? Why is mom away? I screamed silently.

The waves of confusion and fear enveloped me, pulling me down, bottling the tears that would not pour out.

The day was excruciatingly long waiting for my older sister to come home from school. The emotions of the last two days tumbled out as I told Kelly all that happened. I felt devastated when she burst into tears, and I realized she could not help me. “Dad’s been doing those horrible things to me since I was ten. He told me not to tell. He said it was all my fault.”


She could not stop crying, but agreed we needed to call mom, who was away visiting family. Kelly’s sobbing became the resolve I needed as I dialed the phone.

“Mom, there’s something wrong with Dad, he’s doing things,” I started out strong and then the emotion of what I was saying overcame me, and my voice broke.

“Please, come home, we need you.” Uncontrolled tears poured from the bottled heartache that finally shattered. Mom assured me she would come, but we knew it would take two days by bus, if she could even get on one that evening. Kelly and I waited by the phone while mom contacted friends, hoping we could stay with them until she arrived.

My heart was in my throat, when I heard the back door. It was Jamie, who finally got home from his after school job. I tried to tell him what had happened, but the tears would not stop. He struggled to understand, but was confused, as were Kelly and I.  It was getting late, and we knew dad would be coming home from work. Fear threatened to choke us as we all dreaded the thought of being in the house with him. The terror engulfed us when Mom finally called back, saying we could stay with friends and they were sending a taxi for us.
 
We raced up the stairs to our rooms, throwing our belongings into grocery bags, and grabbing what we needed from closets. The taxi driver looked perplexed as we ran to the car, our arms overly laden with clothes. In our panic to escape, we left all the lights on in the house.


After school the next day, I forced myself to go home to pick up forgotten homework I was trembling but relieved when I saw dad was not at home. After removing my shoes at the backdoor as always, I moved silently through the house afraid to make any noise, and gathered up my books from the dining room table.
 
I froze instantly when I heard his car door shut. The back door of the house opened.

I was trapped. Barely able to breathe, terror gripping me like a vice, I forced my legs to take those last steps from the dining room into the kitchen. Dad stepped from the back porch into the kitchen, blocking my escape.

He had been crying, and seemed surprised to see me. He cleared his throat.

“I wanted to tell you…I wanted to stop doing all those things for a long time. Somehow, I knew you wouldn’t take it. That’s why I tried those things with you. I am so sorry. I really do love you, you know.”

Tears ran down my face as I gave him a quick hug. Still terrified and confused, but not knowing what else to do in our broken lives and broken home. Words failed me, until I choked out, ‘I need to go”.

 
With that I made my escape. Running by the time I hit the front sidewalk.

Months later, after separation and much heartache, Dad called Mom, saying he had accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior and Lord, and asked our forgiveness. He wanted to know if we could start over. We did, with much fear and trepidation.

I have since learned that with God, all things are possible.* Nothing can separate us from His love*, when you believe, know and trust Jesus Christ.*



*****


*Luke 18:26 And they that heard it said, Who then can be saved? 27. And he said, The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.

John 8:36 If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.

Isaiah 61:1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

Psalm 34:17 The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. 18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. ...22 The LORD redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate.

*1John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

* Rom 8:35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?... 37. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 38. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39. Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


© 2008 Victoria Dillen

Copyright . All articles are the sole property of SeekGod.ca and Vicky Dillen.

All Scripture King James Version unless otherwise stated.

 

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