When I Was A Child
1 Corinthians 13:11 When I
was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child,
I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away
childish things. 12 For now we see through a glass,
darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but
then shall I know even as also I am known.
I don't know how often I have
thought of those verses, but I know it has been often
lately. Maybe it's the new year or maybe the weather, but I
catch myself thinking back to what it was like as a child.
One of my earliest memories is of being about two or three
years old. We lived in a small two bedroom house which
today, many would likely view in disdain. It was there that
I have some of my earliest recollections of God and Jesus
Christ. Although my parents did not take us to church, or
talk of those things, they always sent us to a Sunday School
to whatever church was handiest that we could walk to, while
they stayed in bed. We moved often so we had a veritable
ecumenical and many times un-churched experience.
It was in those times that we
were sent to a Sunday School, which I believe now was fully
presenting the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't even know the
name of it or the name of the man who taught us, and sang
with us. What I do remember is when our dog was run over one
winter day, I remember leaning against my dad's leg and
asking if Paddy was in heaven with Jesus. My parents looked
at each other, smiled to keep from laughing I guess, and
said "yes, he is with Jesus." Although my parents did not
believe, in my child's heart I believed that there was a God
and there was Jesus who I also believed was in heaven with
God and they were looking after our dog. The faith of a
child is so precious. So simplistic. I believed it and it
was what I believed.
Matthew 18:2 And Jesus
called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst
3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted,
and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the
kingdom of heaven. 4 Whosoever therefore shall humble
himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the
kingdom of heaven.
5 And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name
receiveth me. 6 But whoso shall offend one of these little
ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a
millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were
drowned in the depth of the sea.
While I did not understand
the significance of those child like beliefs, as I have
looked back, I have realized that God has had hold of my
life from the beginning. Those few memories faded quickly
and were replaced for many years by those which revealed the
ungodly home we were in. There was such anger and resentment
and ungodly behaviors, which in my world, meant it must have
been normal in all homes. I could not fathom that there were
differences, although I don't recall consciously thinking
about it, and believed that love was based in the fear of
punishment, and avoiding that punishment as much as possible.
Being yelled at, seeing my older siblings ridiculed and
mocked, not being allowed to deviate from what was demanded
in ways of obedience, who we were as individuals and so on.
There was abuse on many levels, and I suspect that it has
had much to do with the decisions my siblings have made, for
or against Christ. It was through my parents, particularly
my mom that I was given a Ouija board, we did sťances, and
other occult driven activities and beliefs. It was more than
fun in my mind as I believed that connection was taking
place somehow with something. Realistically it was, but it
was demonic, which I did not understand in those times.
When I was 14, my parents
separated for several months. During that time, with my
dad's admittance to being an alcoholic amongst other
behaviors, we didn't really believe we would be together
again as a family. It was in fact, because of my blowing the
whistle so to speak that our worlds came tumbling down
In those days, there wasn't
much offered in the way of help in such
circumstances--certainly not for us kids. It was during that
time of separation that God opened my dad's eyes to Christ.
After that, I think my mom felt she was left with no other
option but for us to go back to our home. It was expected
from that time on that we were to go to church, to Sunday
school, to Bible study, to youth group and whatever other
function there was related to this new church. Where before
we rarely attended any church by that time, we were being
propelled into being the model Christian family, from the
outside, but definitely not on the inside. The new church we
were going to was quite unimpressive, in my mind. Plain
windows, no fanciness, just basic pews and a small
congregation. I don't recall if there were even forty people
who were regulars.
Several weeks after returning
to our home, we went to a youth retreat at a lake, the long
weekend of September. I had never been to anything like that
before. At the retreat the one evening the Gospel was
presented, and after every one was gone I still sat there.
It was the beginning of understanding who that God and Jesus
were from my childhood.
It wasn't until the following
week that I got hold of a Bible--which to this day I have no
idea why my parents had it, as my dad was using a new one.
It was evening and I had been pondering what had been said
about Christ dying for our sins, for MY sins. I opened up
the Bible and started reading the red lettered words which
denoted Christ speaking. It became overwhelming and I
remember getting on my knees, and saying that I wasn't sure
about all these things, but if it was true, that I was a
sinner, and Christ died for me, then I wanted His
forgiveness. I wanted what He offered. That moment my life
changed, and I can still only describe it as sunshine
filling my soul. In Christ I was clean, a new creature, my
sins were forgiven, and I had assurance and unspeakable joy.
My small step of reaching out, brought about by God Himself
pulling me towards Him, was answered in that instant.
John 6:44 No man can come
to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and
I will raise him up at the last day. 45 It is written in
the prophets, And they shall be all taught of God. Every
man therefore that hath heard, and hath learned of the
Father, cometh unto me. 46 Not that any man hath seen the
Father, save he which is of God, he hath seen the Father.
47 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me
hath everlasting life. 48 I am that bread of life.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature:
old things are passed away; behold, all things are become
1 John 1:9 If we confess
our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins,
and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
It would be nice to think
that when that happens there is a happily ever after in all
things. But our fallen state, our sinful world all
contributed to events which to this day I view with sadness.
There is an attitude that when someone comes to Christ that
everything is forgiven, which is true, and ultimately everything is also
forgotten. Our sins are removed as far as the east is from
the west and remembered no more by God. [Psalm103:11-13] Thankfully. As Paul
Philippians 3:13 Brethren,
I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing
I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and
reaching forth unto those things which are before, 14 I
press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of
God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let us therefore, as many as be
perfect, be thus minded: and if in any thing ye be
otherwise minded, God shall reveal even this unto you.
Our memories often fade, as
they should, but sometimes the damages of sin take much
longer to heal in lives that are committed to Christ. It's
about trusting Him, it's about believing Him and it's about
studying the Word of God so that we grow in grace and
knowledge of our Lord and Savior. It's when we are immature
in the faith, or in times when our faith waivers, or we take
our eyes off of our Lord, that the extent of consequences to
sin can haunt us. And so it was in our home.
I came to Christ, then my
Mom, and eventually all my siblings professed Christ. But,
two have turned to other things, other beliefs and other
consequences for their lives. Our home which on the outside
did show changes, on the inside still contained many of the
behaviors and attitudes which can be so destructive.
There were times I was sorely
tempted to leave my parents home and just go. I never could
come to a conclusion on where I would go--but going was
definitely an option I entertained. It was when I was
sixteen that I happened to be in the kitchen with my mother
and she took that moment to tell me that she had always
hated me, and there were many times when peeling
potatoes or doing things for a meal that she would have to
leave the room because of the urging inside of her to pick
up the butcher knife and stab me. She assured me that it was because
she had been demon possessed and God delivered her, and she
wanted me to know she didn't feel like that anymore.
There was so much spiritual
baggage that it at times overtook the joy which should have
been ours in Christ. I was shocked by her words, to say the least, and
while now I can look back and understand some of the things
which took place, the yelling, anger and such, it really
shook me emotionally and spiritually to think that my whole
life, the person who should have been there to love and
protect me, actually wanted my demise. I have since heard of
similar behaviors and activities happening to others, but it
does not change the reality of what it was in my life.
When I met the man I was to
marry, I sometimes think that it was God's way of keeping me
on track to following Him. He was one of the few I felt I
could trust and in time learned about love and throughout
our marriage I have known he has never failed to love and
care for me and I him.
When I came to Christ, He
gave me a great boldness to share the Gospel, at school,
with friends. There were many discussions in and out of
class and it was also there that I had my first taste of
persecution. I am thankful I was obedient and I have seen
some who have come to Christ because of His prompting and
leading to share. It's always been about Christ, and the
relationship each must have with Him. When my husband and I
were married, again things changed in ways I struggled with.
I had not been able to resolve all the issues of my
childhood, and it showed in my inability at times to deal
with problems with the Spirit of Christ. There were times I
felt that I was in a desert, and other times on top of the
mountain proclaiming Christ to all who would hear. It was
almost ten years of marriage before I was able to put my
childhood and the consequences of the abuse and other issues away. It
followed me in my interaction with our own children and my
If Christ had not saved me I
think I would not have made it through, as I dealt with a
depression that left me in the blackest of holes. I went to
church, I prayed and read God's Word, but the anger that had
taken hold of my life, was not easily set aside. In those
times I would go in our bedroom and pray and weep and read
the Scriptures and come away empty. It took about a year to
get through the trash and consequences of the sin that this
all stemmed from. I remember thinking about the Scriptures
which refer to the sins of the fathers, and was determined
to not let our family go through the anguish that we had
John 8:36 If the Son
therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.
It finally resolved when I
fully understood that God loved me and that all those things
from my past were gone and that is how I had to view them.
It wasn't what my parents or anyone else did, it was fully
about obedience to Christ, and trust in Him. When I
was able to let go of all the hurts and heartaches that kept
rearing their ugly heads, that is when I grasped with a
greater understanding what it was
to be loved by God. Not that He hadn't shown me right from
the time I knelt and prayed, but this time, I was no longer
a child in understanding. There are some who think that
those who have been abused can never accept God's love. To
that I say, Rubbish!. God who is Love itself, can heal all
that we in this sin filled world can dish out to one
another, and He can heal what we do to ourselves. Those who
believe that those who come from abuse are unable to accept God's love,
have a very narrow, limited and un-Biblical understanding of
who God is. And it shows an unbelief in who Christ died for
and who He is.
Romans 8:31 What shall we
then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be
against us? 32 He that spared not his own Son, but
delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him
also freely give us all things? 33 Who shall lay any thing
to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.
34 Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea
rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand
of God, who also maketh intercession for us. 35 Who shall
separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or
distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or
peril, or sword? 36 As it is written, For thy sake we are
killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the
slaughter. 37 Nay, in all these things we are more than
conquerors through him that loved us. 38 For I am
persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor
principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be
able to separate us from the love of God, which is in
Christ Jesus our Lord.
One pastor told me through
one of my darkest times to go teach Sunday School and that
would fix me. How could I teach something that was lost
inside of me? I knew the issues were spiritual, and it was
terrible to think that a pastor could offer nothing to help
me, from a Biblical perspective.
We entered a roller coaster
of feeling the need to go to another church which we did.
For a time.
It was during those many
years of being involved in church and seeing the diversity
of commitment to Christ and the Scriptures that also came
front and center, as I struggled to find what it was that was
wrong in my life. And what it was that was right.
During those times, we had
our children and we also buried two babies. The first loss
was literally the first personal experience I had with
death. I almost died in that time also, but God gave me the
assurance that He was with me. When our last baby died, I
was able to respond with a fully different spiritual
outlook.. I understood and did not need to ask why, as I did
the first time, as I had grown in Christ and was able to
say, God's perfect will be done. I rejoiced in Him,
and I knew His comfort, and I also knew that He was teaching
me things about Himself, about myself, and about the church
as a whole. We observed those claiming Christ who had the
most un-Scriptural attitudes about things. Not just weak
moments but deeply ingrained attitudes and beliefs Things
which clearly were against Christ. It was difficult to
observe, but even more difficult to attempt to resolve with
full Scriptural understanding.
Sometimes I couldn't put my
finger on what was wrong, but I would see contradictions
which were contrary to Scripture and things which were
presented as Truth, which were not. It took time to see what
was being promoted, but it seemed as if God was opening my
understanding in ways that I did not fully comprehend.
Things happened within a short time in three different
First, it needs to be
understood that my view of pastors and men in authority was
skewed because of my childhood. What it did was allow me to
view pastors as ultimate authorities, presenting them on
some sort of pedestal. When they fell off, it was fully
destructive to me. The first pastor, which, when I think of
it objectively, I believe advocated that view from those in
the church. When it came down to some issues, he lied, and
in amidst of turmoil and dealing with those lies, my husband
and I stood and attempted to hold him and the board
accountable. As happens in church hierarchy, some came with
attitudes of how dare you question anything, while one godly
gentleman came wanting to deal Scripturally with all issues.
We left that meeting with a clear view that it was not Truth
that was most important to some, but reputations and egos.
Were we at fault on some
things? Yes. Absolutely. The anger that again took hold of me, was not
of God. When we left that meeting I stated something that
has become a way of seeing what is taking place in many
churches. Instead of sweeping things under the carpet, these
elders either needed to start dealing with things according
to the Scriptures, or the rug they had been sweeping things
under was going to be so huge that they were going to trip
on it and fall on their faces. That church has had several
pastors since and much turmoil.
When we left that church we
both were angered and disillusioned with church and
Christians. We had a young family, and we felt at that time
the need to have fellowship. The anger that we both had, reflected in my husband as his believing all Christians were
like what we saw that night. He had started to lose
his faith. We tried to attend another church which could only
be described as being filled with culture Christians, or
liberal and a few who clearly loved God. We didn't stay
long, and I believe it was the next year that church went through
turmoil and a split. There were more liberal minded than
Biblically motivated individuals involved. We felt like we
were running out of options.
Where does one go to find a
Biblically sound church, when the ones you thought were
Biblical, just are not sound? I have had so many believers
ask me that same question. I have learned to say, go to
Christ, and He will supply all your needs and if there is
somewhere for you He will direct your steps.
1 Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves therefore
under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due
time: 7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for
you...10 But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto
his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have
suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen,
During this time we had foster children for a
year. We had wanted children under the age of our own and
foolishly, we were talked into taking troubled teens. The
impact on our own children was enough to let that go. The
last teen was a pregnant fourteen year old.
During that time, again, we decided to try
going back to the church which had the spiritual rug
problem. They had a new pastor, and so we went to try again
to find the fellowship we thought important. Actually I
convinced my husband we should try it. It likely was a mistake on
my part, and yet, circumstances were in motion that were
necessary to get me to the place God wanted me. It was not
an easy road to walk.
I don't recall how long we went to that
church again, but the turning point came as our children
were feeling quite on the outside looking in. It was a
family established church and the pillars were related in
one way or another. Church hierarchy's are the blight of
churches as far as we are concerned. The climax came one
Sunday morning when the pastor presented a sermon on
churches and those who are troubled or who leave must take
the responsibility to join again. He demonstrated this
theology by taking a doll and cutting off the arm and leg
with scissors. I was horrified. Not only of the
demonstration with all the children in attendance but at the
errant doctrine being presented. I made a comment on the way
out that morning, to the assistant pastor, and asked him if
he had a diamond and it fell in the crack of a floor, would
he not go to great lengths to recover it. He could not
answer for whatever reason.
We received a call from the pastor after
lunch in which he wanted to know if I--for some reason it
eluded both my husband and I that he should have been
invited also--would come over and discuss what I had asked
the assistant pastor. Actually my husband had stopped going
for a few weeks because of what we were seeing in the way of
doctrine. I thought --maybe this will be good. Sometimes we
are our own worst enemy.
Matthew 18:11 For the Son of man is come to
save that which was lost. 12 How think ye? if a man have
an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he
not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the
mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray? 13 And
if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he
rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine
which went not astray. 14 Even so it is not the will of
your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little
ones should perish.
The pastor was at his desk when I arrived.
His anger was written over his face. He demanded to know who
I thought I was and I had no right to harass the assistant
pastor. Shock sort of describes my feelings of that moment,
as it never occurred to me that asking such a simple
question would be viewed as an attack and harassment. I told him my
feelings concerning the sermon and he denied that he said
the doctrine which I recounted in detail. I then challenged
him with --that doll arm you cut off, is laying on the
ground, it is bleeding and bruised and you have taught that
it is up to that arm to pick it self up and reattach itself.
What do you think the people of God are called to do? He
said they should pick it up and help reattach it. I said, you
did not teach that--you laid it on the person in spiritual
distress. He denied he taught it the way I recounted, so I
challenged him to get the tape--as all sermons were
recorded--and we could listen to it so I could understand
what was said. He adamantly refused to get it and denied he
said what he did. In the end, he not only stated he had no
time for our children or my husband or me, but I was neither
worth the time but I also was no gem, if I ever had that
idea, based on my initial question to the assistant pastor.
John 10:11 I am the good shepherd: the good
shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.
12 But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose
own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth
the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and
scattereth the sheep. 13 The hireling fleeth, because he
is an hireling, and careth not for the sheep. 14 I am the
good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.
The reason I recount this is to set the
spiritual condition for what was clearly His leading. When I
left that office I knew we would not return, nor were we
welcome to return if we had desired to. I also knew that I
was not going to let that ungodly interaction spiritually destroy me
or my family. although I left devastated, sobbing, and broken. Yet,
God was with me. I can attest to that, as He has always been
with me, in spite of myself at times. We heard recently that
church has gone through much turmoil and several changes of
pastors, with unsatisfactory results.
That night there were evening services, and
it ran through my mind that I should go to our old church,
the one that we had started out in. While my husband was
totally turned away from any church because of all these
things, I knew we could not deny Christ. There had to be an
answer for us. So that night, I went to the evening service of our
old church. It happened to be their missions conference. And
on the wall, was a verse that brought tears to my eyes,
although it evades me today what it was. I know that the
verse was totally the opposite of what the ungodly words of
that pastor had stung me with.
That night I stood up and shared with those
people that I felt like I had come home, even though there
were some who did not know me. There was a different pastor
there than when we had left years before. He had a heart for
God. When we spoke later, he asked about coming to visit us.
The night he did come, he stated something that has become a
reality in our lives. It does not matter what has happened.
It does not matter who has done what. What matters is our
relationship with Jesus Christ. That is what it has always
That pastor died serving Christ, teaching his
last class. He spoke his last words to me. He told me I had
to speak up, and in my heart it wasn't voice volume he
meant. I recall affirming in my mind that, yes, I was going
to speak up and I would not stop until God called me home.
That man died of a heart attack virtually in my arms as he
collapsed and I was closest to him.
Over the next year or so the original pastor
that had told me so many years ago to go and teach Sunday
school during my most difficult time, was voted to come back
as pastor. When it was announced in the service I physically
startled, and really had to consider if my feelings were in
line with Scripture. I had grown so much spiritually by that
time that I viewed each event as one more thing to rest in
That pastor came back and for awhile things
seemed to go along. I began noticing the influx of weird
music, which actually was charismatic repetition of phrases,
and such. I would not sing in those times, it so troubled
me. The pastor decided to employ a study with the elders,
which I believe now to have been Rick Warren's purpose
material. They spent one year studying and fellowshipping
together and decided that the mission statement for the
church would be changed by one word.
The next event was the promotion of Promise
Keepers (PK), although we had expressed concern over it. A
complete stranger came in one morning service and presented PK to the congregation. It was about that time that I had
been doing research regarding school curriculum. As God
opened doors I went through and for a year researched and
was invited to speak to parents at various locations. As an
aside, I think God allowed my being naive as a shield
because when I went to speak, it never occurred to me that
people would disagree. They obviously just didn't have all
the facts. I can chuckle about that now, but at the time,
sometimes ignorance is bliss. In fact, I never once
requested an audience, people simply started phoning me. I started speaking at a group of about
fifty people. It was one step at a time as God led me into
what He wanted me to do.
It was during one of those speaking
engagements that another speaker challenged the crowd by
asking if we loved God enough to die for Him. Because that
is the real commitment to Jesus Christ that we must make
when we believe Him. Returning home I managed to make the
evening missions conference which coincided with what I had
been speaking at. The speaker asked the same question, and
said if we truly love the Lord Jesus Christ, we need to love
Him even if it means our death. The conviction of the Holy
Spirit on these matter cannot be denied. That weekend
challenge was able to be answered in my whole being with
yes, I loved the Lord Jesus Christ and will stand as long as
He enables me, until death, however it comes. I continue in
that resolve and belief today.
My second to last speaking engagement was before five hundred, with people turned away. God led me and kept me
through it all as I stepped one step at a time, seeking His will
moment to moment. I was so afraid of not going where He
wanted me. I recall that second last engagement because I
was terrified when I saw the crowds. I went into the
washroom, shaking like a leaf and wondering what they would
do if I just didn't come out. Would they just go away or
would some come and drag me out, kicking and screaming. It
was fully by the hand of God that I walked in front of that
crowd, shaking like a leaf for the first few minutes and
then my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ gave me the peace and
the courage to stand and share the things that needed to be
said. The last speaking engagement was where God introduced
me to the ecumenical movement in action and it is where I
learned the difference between being Biblically obedient to
Christ and being religious.
It was during that time, when individuals
wanted to support these endeavors that I learned a lesson
about money. I learned that there are those who claim to be
of Jesus Christ, but when they give support, there may be a
condition attached. It happened when I felt I should
research PK. You have not understood what is taking place in
many churches spiritually until you ask questions or
challenge someone's sacred cow. I was offered $1000 if I would agree to not research or write
about Promise Keepers. I refused the money, and researched
Promise Keepers and in that time frame I learned that Truth
is not necessarily welcomed by many, despite claims of serving
Jesus Christ. I
didn't know the names of many ministries or organizations at
that time, but have researched and learned much since then.
It was after that time
that I felt a sense that God wanted me to speak out to the
church, using the Word of God. I recall talking it over with
my husband. I didn't really understand it, but I spent day
after day praying and reading the Scriptures and searching
them to understand what it was that God wanted me to do. I
had no visions of grandeur, and was afraid to step forward
in case I was going the wrong way. I remember reading Isaiah
41, and feeling so strongly that God was speaking to me as I
read these assuring words, that God had not thrown me aside
as dirt, that I mattered to Him and that He had and has
plans for me, just as He has plans for every single person
who comes to Christ.
Isaiah 41:9...Thou art my servant; I have
chosen thee, and not cast thee away.
10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for
I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help
thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my
righteousness. 11 Behold, all they that were incensed
against thee shall be ashamed and confounded: they shall
be as nothing; and they that strive with thee shall
12 Thou shalt seek them, and shalt not find them, even
them that contended with thee: they that war against thee
shall be as nothing, and as a thing of nought.
13 For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying
unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.
We are called to serve Him and to do His good
will and share the gospel of Jesus Christ with all He brings
in our paths. I needed those words in order to overcome all
the issues of the past. I was no Jacob, but I could
understand the sense of being overwhelmed with what we might
be called to. There is a fear that can take place, because
it is about fully trusting the Lord Jesus Christ and
depending on Him, and not on ourselves. There was a verse
which became a part of how I thought, and it was "Resting in
the Shadow of His Wings."
Psalm 91:1 He that dwelleth in the secret
place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the
Almighty. 2 I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my
fortress: my God; in him will I trust. 3 Surely he shall
deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the
noisome pestilence. 4 He shall cover thee with his
feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth
shall be thy shield and buckler. 5 Thou shalt not be
I also was compelled to read Ezekiel and it
was again brought to my mind that while I could not and
would never claim to be anything but a servant of Christ, it
was there that I felt the Holy Spirit impressed particular
verses on my heart. Do not misunderstand. I am no prophet,
but I needed to understand what God wanted of me, and it was
through the Scriptures that I was able to start
understanding what that was. God wanted me to trust Him
Ezekiel 1:6 And thou, son of man, be not
afraid of them, neither be afraid of their words, though
briers and thorns be with thee, and thou dost dwell among
scorpions: be not afraid of their words, nor be dismayed
at their looks, though they be a rebellious house....5 For
thou art not sent to a people of a strange speech and of
an hard language, but to the house of Israel; 6 Not to
many people of a strange speech and of an hard language,
whose words thou canst not understand. ...21 Nevertheless
if thou warn the righteous man, that the righteous sin
not, and he doth not sin, he shall surely live, because he
is warned; also thou hast delivered thy soul."
It took much time to
understand what God wanted me to do. I knew research was a
part of it. As I continued to search the Scriptures and seek
God's will, many verses, which I have since used many times
were brought to my attention concerning false prophets,
wolves in sheep's clothing, men crept in unawares, heresy,
doctrines of demons, trying the spirits and many more. In
Jude, after I had started writing and posting to the
internet, it was impressed on me that part of what was
involved was that whole chapter but specifically,
Jude 1:17 But, beloved,
remember ye the words which were spoken before of the
apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ; 18 How that they told
you there should be mockers in the last time, who should
walk after their own ungodly lusts. 19 These be they who
separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit. 20
But ye, beloved, building up yourselves on your most holy
faith, praying in the Holy Ghost, 21 Keep yourselves in
the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus
Christ unto eternal life.
22 And of some have compassion, making a difference: 23
And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire;
hating even the garment spotted by the flesh. 24 Now unto
him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present
you faultless before the presence of his glory with
exceeding joy, 25 To the only wise God our Saviour, be
glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and for
What became clear was that the Word of God is
the Sword of the Spirit, and that it was to be the very
basis of what I did, what I wrote and what I believed.
One thing led to another at our church and we
asked to speak to the board members of the church concerning
the things researched on PK, which my husband had also read.
We were refused access to the board which, since we had been
on various committees, was like being slapped in the face.
We were allowed to meet with the pastors and elders.
So we went in with all the research and we thought we were going
to discuss the issues. I guess in some ways I have always
wanted to believe the best about people. The anger from the
pastor as we walked into the meeting was more than a little
example of what was going to take place.
After being bawled out for asking to discuss
the issues, we were told to show them what was wrong in 'my
opinion'. Throughout the meeting, the one elder put his head
on the table and bounced his chin on his hand. The assistant
pastor commented and laughed that it was a good thing they
weren't the white washed walls of Scripture. One
elder declined meeting with us. The other elder was offended when
I presented quotes by various icons and then factually and
scripturally presented the concerns. We at that point
not rejecting it. We wanted to discuss the issues as
Matthew 23:27 Woe to you, scribes and
Pharisees, hypocrites! for you are like to white washed
sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are
within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness.
As the meeting deteriorated, it was clear it really didn't
have a chance from the onset. My husband finally had enough
of the disrespect towards me mostly, but also towards us as
members of the church, and more importantly, as brothers and
sisters in Christ. He stopped the meeting and left. As I
gathered things up to follow him, I told the pastor that
they were going the wrong way and we could not go with them.
I pleaded with them to not go the way they were going. I
knew as sure as I type this today that it was a warning that
was not heeded. We never went back. These men claimed
to be Promise Keepers. The one elder was accused of
financial improprieties in the one ministry he had and moved
elder left the church, divorced his wife, and is now
remarried and has gathered a collection of tattoos on his
person. The pastor left eventually and there have been
fill-ins but they have not been able to get and keep a
pastor in that church. The assistant pastor lied and
well...enough said. The congregation also went through a
split. What had been a Biblically focused congregation
opened the door to what has become mainstream doctrine that
does not have its roots in Christ or Scripture, despite the label of
evangelical and biblical.
The sad part of all of this is that these
things are happening all over.
It was during the final month or so at that
old church that I went to a ladies Bible study, which when I
had first attended, no one brought a Bible. That changed as
I never attended without one, and others also started
bringing theirs also. It was there
that I tried to share and explain that I finally understood
what Paul had meant when
he said, for to me to live is Christ. The woman in
charge said, 'yes, well none of us have arrived yet.' And the
spiritual and physical door was shut. I never went back.
Philippians 1:20 According to my earnest
expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be
ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now
also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be
by life, or by death. 21 For to me to live is Christ, and
to die is gain.
Promise Keepers led to many other things
being researched and as God led my hesitant steps, launched
me onto the internet and one of the largest mission fields
available. It is only through God's grace that we
maintained our desire to serve Christ throughout all of this.
When I developed the first page for this website, it had
taken over two months to figure out how to make the page and
then get it uploaded. Honestly, it was by the grace of God
that the monitor was not smashed due to total frustration at
attempting to do something which I had no knowledge of how
to do. Thankfully God provided, as there were days when
something which I worked on all day, disappeared into the
void called cyberspace. I shudder thinking about those
weeks. It seems that everything that God has called me to
do, has involved taking me through things that invariably I
must learn on my own, and requires full focus and dependence
on God to provide all that is needed to fulfill His
purposes. He has promised to provide everything we need in
order to serve Him. It's not about us or the abilities we
think we have or don't have. It's fully and completely about
what is provided by the Holy Spirit, to do His good will.
As I learned what I needed about the
computer, I started receiving feedback from those who read
my articles and research. That is when God showed me that
just because some claim to be of Christ and there are things
under the banner of Christian, that does not mean that they
are of Christ. That it does not mean that what is presented
as truth, is Truth. That is also when I learned that pastors
can curse as easily as a lay person. Leadership can be as
devoid of Biblical soundness as those who follow after them.
I have been called many things by those who claim to serve
our risen Savior. Liar, from the pit of hell, slanderer, and
so on. Rarely in those empty accusations has there been any
information provided to back up their statements of
inaccuracy. It is rare to actually have someone write and
provide information which I would generally add to the
article being referenced, if it is proven that new
information is valid.
2 Timothy 4:2 Preach the word; be instant
in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all
longsuffering and doctrine. 3 For the time will come when
they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own
lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having
itching ears; 4 And they shall turn away their ears from
the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.
It has been during these years that I have
learned that many who claim to serve Jesus Christ are
offended by the Word of God. I have been told that I am
beating people over the head with the Scriptures used in the
articles. And yet, people read this website by choice as it
has never been required reading. It is through the
Scriptures that individuals can learn about Jesus Christ.
2 Timothy 3:13 But evil men and seducers
shall wax worse and worse, deceiving, and being deceived.
14 But continue thou in the things which thou hast learned
and hast been assured of, knowing of whom thou hast
learned them; 15 And that from a child thou hast known the
holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto
salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. 16 All
scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is
profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for
instruction in righteousness: 17 That the man of God may
be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.
It is the Word of God, not opinion that
presents Truth. It is the Word of God that is used to reach
hearts and lives for Jesus Christ.
Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is quick,
and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword,
piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit,
and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the
thoughts and intents of the heart.
Romans 10:10 For with the heart man
believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth
confession is made unto salvation...17 So then faith
cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
It's been more than ten years since I started
to research. I have been so blessed by many readers, who
have shared and cared. I have so many letters of
encouragement, all of which has been provided by my Lord
when it was needed. Through these times I have learned much,
but it seems there is so much more to learn. God has
given me understanding which I can only praise Him for. I am
not a theologian. I am not a journalist. I am not a computer
technician. I am merely someone
who loves the Lord Jesus Christ and desires to serve Him
above anything else. It is to Him I depend on to lead me, and
show me what it is He would have me do today.
Psalm 25:1 A Psalm of David. Unto thee, O
LORD, do I lift up my soul.
2 O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let
not mine enemies triumph over me. 3 Yea, let none that
wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which
transgress without cause. 4 Show me thy ways, O LORD;
teach me thy paths.
5 Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God
of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.
While the last
few years have brought many personal changes, there are some
things which will never change. That is the precious
promises we have when we believe God, when we belong to
Jesus Christ and when He takes us and teaches us. I recall the
verses and thoughts about when I was a child, and see that same sweetness
of belief growing in our grandchildren, and I praise God
that the sins of the fathers were broken because of God's
love for us. And for His Love for even me.
2 Peter 1:2 Grace and peace be multiplied
unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our
Lord, 3 According as his divine power hath given unto us
all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through
the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and
virtue: 4 Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and
precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of
the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is
in the world through lust. 5 And beside this, giving all
diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue
knowledge; 6 And to knowledge temperance; and to
temperance patience; and to patience godliness; 7 And to
godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness
charity. 8 For if these things be in you, and abound, they
make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in
the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
© 2011 Victoria Dillen