Hey there Stref,
I can't say that I am not troubled by your statements, because I am. And concerned.
You have been thru many struggles and incidents over the years that have affected you deeply. It is fully true that it is about a relationship with Jesus Christ. Without Him we really should be afraid of death and what the future holds.
Part of a relationship with Christ is to change and be more like Him. No--we can never be like completely like Him, never be without the flesh pulling us into sin, never have the right answers all the time, never be holy as He is holy. And yet God calls us to that and the only way to deal with those things is to allow Christ to change us, and work through us. It's how the apostles walked with Him and it's their example to us.
You talk often of your sin and how awful you are. Paul addressed that in himself
Rom 7:14-25
(14) For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.
(15) For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
(16) If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.
(17) Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
(18) For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
(19) For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
(20) Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
(21) I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
(22) For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:
(23) But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
(24)
O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
(25) I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
Quote:That I cannot, for I have been so terrorized by it that I cannot bear to do anything other than dip into it as a reference from tim to tim. And this has been going on for over 20 years. If i try to read long tracts of it I will find someithing whereby i will feel impaled and terrified
I was immediately drawn to a scripture, that was first introduced to me when I was 14 or 15 and was going through a time of terror of the enemy, believing that he was going to "get me" when in my room at night.
2Ti 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
We have a promise that in Christ, there is no condemnaton when we know Him and our desire is to serve Him, because the Holy Spirit gives us the desire and grace to do His good will. The terror comes from the enemy. It's that simple.
Rom 8:1-17
(1) There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
(2)
For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.
(3) For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin,
condemned sin in the flesh:
(4) That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
(5) For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.
(6) For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.
(7) Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.
(8) So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God.
If we know Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord we have this promise:
(9)
But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.
(10)
And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.
(11) But if the Spirit of him that raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, he that raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by his Spirit that dwelleth in you.
(12) Therefore, brethren, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live after the flesh.
(13) For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.
Stref, if your hearts desire is to live for Christ and you have the Holy Spirit, He is at work in you, "moritfying" the things of the flesh.
(14) For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.
(15) For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.
(16) The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:
(17) And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.
It doesn't make us perfect, but it makes us a sweet savour to God because of Christ in us.
2Co 2:14-15
(14)
Now thanks be unto God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ, and maketh manifest the savour of his knowledge by us in every place.
(15) For we are unto God a sweet savour of Christ, in them that are saved, and in them that perish:
The only way to get relief from the terror of reading the Scriptures, Stref, is to allow God to fight the battle for you. It has always been His battle.
There is nothing we can do to overcome these things in our own thinking, in our own wills or knowledge---it is totallly and completely His battle and His victory which we can claim.
Without the Scriptures, you cannot know all that He wants of you, nor can you know Him in the way He intended.
Rom 10:17 So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
2Ti 3:16-17
(16) All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
(17) That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good works.
Luk 24:45 Then opened he their understanding, that they might understand the scriptures,
Rom 15:4 For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope.
2Pe 3:15-16
(15) And account that the longsuffering of our Lord is salvation; even as our beloved brother Paul also according to the wisdom given unto him hath written unto you;
(16) As also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things; in which are some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and unstable wrest, as they do also the other scriptures, unto their own destruction.
Stref, in order to have the victory, you need to be able to ask in faith.
Heb 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
If you are praying, and believing, then you can ask God to deliver you from this so that you can study to show yourself approved and be obedient to His call to do that. He loves us and wants to help us. When we are weak then we are strong--if we let Him.
If you have the Spirit of Christ, you will have a thirst after righteousness and reading His Word. I would challenge you to allow the Holy Spirit to teach you through the Scriptures because that is how we learn and grow in Christ.
If, when you are hearing that voice and communing and praying---the question would be, Why isn't it telling you to read the Word of God? 
Who would tell someone not to read the Word of God, Stref? 