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Dealing with loss and grief and living with peace and joy



(This post was last modified: 02-14-2012, 11:34 AM by Vic.)

Howdy Vic:

Wanted to respond to a portion of your post whereby you mentioned the loss of your baby. I am sorry for your loss I know how difficult and painful it is when a parent loses a child. I too lost my youngest daughter whom at 24 passed away Jan. 2005 from a rare form of ovarian cancer; therefore share in your sorrows.

The death of one's child is so unnatural, the natural progression of life dictates our parents die before us and we die before our children. When the opposite happens, life hands us a curve and curves can cause real stings.

When this happens, as parents we are left holding a bag of curves with unanswered questions such as, what if only, how come this happened to our child, what would he/she have become, why me God and moreover, how can a Loving God throw us such a curve?

I don't know about you Vic, but I struggled with God and all my whys. I even tried different ways of bargaining, if I did this than of course He would do that. I spent many hours in prayers reminding Him that she was mine and I wasn't ready to give her back.

All my struggles of course were to no avail, don't get my wrong my love for Jesus never wavered, but I couldn't just accept my fate of losing someone as precious as my baby girl. After weeks and months of struggling with God, one day something happened to me that caused me to stop struggling and accept God's fate.

I remember that incident as if it were yesterday. While driving home from somewhere, I was praying and of course once again bargaining with God when all of the sudden I felt within my heart a sense of peace and a small voice spoke to my heart telling me that my daughter was always His and that He had just loaned her to me and it was time for her to come back home to Him. And more importantly why not me.

I can't explain why this ministered to me but it did. From that point on I was able to let go and trust even more in the goodness of God. Mind you I was still really sad, I still cried and mourned but at the same time I trusted God I was not bitter because I was going to suffer a great loss.

Nevertheless, my daughter did pass away peacefully and you know that old saying 'time has a way of healing our sorrows'. Time has gone on and the sting of pain has lessened, but I am now at a more peaceful place[/size][/font].

Why peace one might ask, because I know without a shadow of doubt that one day I will see my beautiful daughter again. And how many people can say that? Plus I rejoice in this fact that although I was thrown a curve, my trust and love In Christ has not grown bitter, but just the opposite deeper and more meaningful. And there can be a happy ending to the story, I can say just as Paul said in Romans 'Oh the love and depth of God'...,

Your sister in Christ,





HI Jade, Thank you for sharing on these things. I am sorry about your daughter. It is incredibly tragic to lose a child, but when we know Christ, we know they are going home. They don't just die and think that makes a difference.

We actually had two babies die. The first one, our daughter was 18 mths at the time and I was pregnant, and hemorrhaged. That little guy lived about 2 hrs, but he was premature. I woke up on the operating table and heard him cry, -I was in critical shape for a few days due to blood loss etc. But God chose to not allow him to stay with us. That was a really hard time. I did ask why, I had not dealt with grief and loss before. And I suppose coming so close to death myself left my not only physically vulnerable but emotionally and spiritually weak as well.

I do recall feeling quite lost for awhile. Part of it had to do with the attitude of others---oh you can just have anoter baby...etc
Those things hurt because another wouldn't be the same as the one I heard cry. There is an attachment and bond that takes place as that baby grows inside a mother and those things are often ignored or deemed unimportant. But every mother knows the dreams you have of that child growing in you and wondering what they will be like.

So that loss was very difficult for me. Probably because it took so long to get my health back also.

The second baby that died was different. I was term, and he was born healthy. However, there had been complications with that pregnancy and after about 2 hours he went into cardiac arrest. He was revived and sent to the neonatal unit in another city. I saw him briefly before they took him. He lived 3 days. It was different this time. I didn't have to ask why, I didn't feel angry or all those things a person can feel.

Instead I felt confident that God's plan was perfect and I knew I simply needed to be the best mom I could to our other children. Even leaving the hospital that time was different. I did feel empty handed like I was forgetting something, but the first time, I wept while leaving. This time, my hubby and I had spent considerable time visiting other people we knew, went to the nursery many times and appreciated the joy others had with their new babies. We were able to walk out with peace. Yes there was grief at the funeral and times during and after that. But it did not devastate me. I had grown in faith and trust and simply knew that all was under HIs control.

One would think it would keep one in good stead come what may. But, the last few years I guess I found out what my weaknesses are when dealing with family. My husband became ill a few years ago. It took some time to obtain a diagnosis, and the end result will be his eventual death from it. I must admit, I was devastated for many months upon finally getting the prognosis in summer of 2010. I felt afraid, overwhelmed, devastated, and just simply felt immobile, like I could not move forward. THere is a Psalm where David speaks of his mouth being stopped and unable to speak or do anything. That's how I felt. During this time my husband was not told what was fully wrong with him, so I could not seem to share openly about all that was wrong and what I was dealing with.

I think I was afraid of what might happen to us, if/when he had to quit work, and all those things that we had always trusted God for. Suddenly, I couldn't seem to trust that God had it all under control. Or rather, He had it all under control and I didn't want to walk that journey, go through that looming door of life and eventual loss and all it might mean. I felt incredible grief and a sense of loss, even though God is really in control. I found it difficult to pray because I didn't want to get an answer that said it was going to be ok, but it was still going to be the way it is. Then I would feel guilty for not living my faith, as I so fully believed was part of my life and everything that I would say to others, now I couldn't seem to apply to myself.

It took until my husband was required to quit work late 2010 and being home with me now all the time to really deal with it all. He knows the prognosis, and is at peace with knowing God knows what's best. He is actually doing well right now and I am so thankful that we are having so many blessed days and treasured moments. Many people don't get that opportunity. We don't know how long we have together--it could be years or not, but we are very thankful for each day God has given us. For the years of memories and the ones happening each day.

Although I still deal with the emotional impact probably more than my husband, I do feel at peace, although I struggle with the waves of grief, which I am coming to believe are a form of attack. Because they steal my peace and joy and I don't want that. I want to feel fully trusting. God has shown He is in control of all we are doing and is providing in such a way, that I can't help but wonder how I could ever have been afraid of what might happen.

I had felt I needed to share some of this awhile ago, but didn't know how to go about it or when. So I guess, all things are in God's timing. His purposes are so perfect, that we can rest knowing that He is able, even when we are not. THere's so many verses that have brought comfort, encouragement and peace.

Psa 38:21 Forsake me not, O LORD: O my God, be not far from me.
Psa 38:22 Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation.

1Pe 5:7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

Psa 56:3 What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.

2Sa 22:31 As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him.

Psa 5:11 But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee.
Psa 5:12 For thou, LORD, wilt bless the righteous; with favour wilt thou compass him as with a shield.

PPsa 62:5 My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.
Psa 62:6 He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved. ...
sa 62:8 Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.

Psa 71:1 In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion.
Psa 71:2 Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape: incline thine ear unto me, and save me.

Psa 91:1 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
Psa 91:2 I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
Psa 91:3 Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
Psa 91:4 He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
Psa 91:5 Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
Psa 91:6 Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

Mat 5:2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
Mat 5:3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Mat 5:4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Mat 5:5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Mat 5:6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.


3John 1:4  I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.
Isaiah 40:31  But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.





Thank you Jade and Vic for sharing so much of yourselves.The loss of loved ones is very hard.

My oldest sister passed away 9 years ago.She was 39.

I think I have struggled most with feelings of guilt.

She was a practicing Wiccan for many years.I had found out after she passed that she had recently joined a coven.

She struggled with understanding why there is some much pain and evil in the world.That struggle kept her angry and distant from God.

When we were younger,she was about 16 and I was 11,our mother started going to the Assemblies of God Church.Mom asked us if we wanted to go for almost a year but we did not want to go,so she put her foot down
declaring one Sunday,"You will go to church with me,or you will get out of my house!". I was 12 so I had to go.Georgia was 17 and left wanting no part of it.

So Georgia went her own way,delving into Catholicism,then books on mysticism and the metaphysical,I think she had a book about every religion known to man,hundreds and hundreds of books and she had read them all,finally settling on Wicca,while I remained lost in charismania with my mother.

I never talked to my sister about God.I struggle sometimes with wondering,why,if I were saved all those years did I not try to talk to her about God..if she were here right now I would.

I've had lots of time to think about where I went wrong.I have taken many wrong turns but I know the major underlying theme to that one in particular is the great,blinding lie of religious tolerance.
I felt that I should not push my beliefs on her,that I should love and except her as she is no matter what she believes.I thought I was setting a great example,here I am a Christian embracing and excepting my Wiccan sister.
I did not like that she was Wiccan but I excepted her choice to be that because trying to talk her out of it,or away from it would be intolerant.I wouldn't want to offend her.I wouldn't want to push her away.I don't want to appear intolerant.

I didn't understand that talking to her about Jesus Christ would not mean that I didn't love or except her.Peoples souls are at stake.We can't allow ourselves to be blinded by the lies of religious tolerance and religious pluralism.

This is excruciating to write.I like to hope that maybe in the last moments of her life she finally gave herself over to God but I do not know.
I have to live with the fact that I never spoke to her about my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.I was to busy being tolerant.

My mother passed away in November of cancer.She had Alzheimer's.The dementia made her become violent and difficult to handle so my other sister and I could not care for her.
The facility where she was at thought she had pneumonia but after x rays they discovered that she was riddled with cancer.It was in her lungs and spread throughout other parts of her body.She died 11 days after they discovered all this.

When I found out that she was sick I began to earnestly pray for her.I didn't pray for the recovery of her mortal body though.My mother lived a very hard life full of pain and alcoholism,trying desperately to find some peace and happiness,somewhere between a bottle of pills,a bottle of vodka,men and God.
I didn't pray for my mom to be healed because I thought she should go with God and finally obtain that ever elusive peace in the loving arms of our Lord.I had to earnestly pray for my mother's soul.

Her and I spent most of our lives in the false charismatic doctrine and I am now faced with the shocking realization that my mom is about to die,she is out of her mind with Alzheimer dementia and I do not know if she is truly saved.

So I prayed earnestly for 11 days,for God to forgive her,for God to deliver her like He delivered me and for her salvation.I don't know if praying for someone like that even counts because I know we all make our own choices but I just had to before she passed because I knew after would be to late.

My sister was with her when she passed and I told her that I wished I could have been there with her to and my sister said I was there.She said mom kept saying I was standing in the corner of the room.

So now I'm left wondering was that my mother's dementia talking or was that God in His way letting me know that He heard me and it is well with her soul.

I think I grieve the uncertainty of their salvation most.

I can only leave it in Gods hands.

I think when we have these hard things to deal with and we say we are going to give them over to God that does not mean that we cease to deal with them.We still have to continue in the process of coming to terms with and dealing with the loss.
Grief is a natural human emotion,giving it over to God doesn't stop the process of it,it just makes it more bearable
Whosoever transgresseth, and abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God. He that abideth in the doctrine of Christ, he hath both the Father and the Son.(2John 1:9)


Advanced Member


Job 5:7: Yet man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward.

It seems to me that when suffering pain, grief, fear and so on, memory is also severely affected. I forget that God is before me and behind me. I forget that He is holding me up with his His right hand holding my right hand, therefore he is face to face with me. I forget that time is different to God, so He is never late.Today I heard a man describe his experience of the Santiago earthquake. He said that as first one wall then another crashed into him, he realised he was being beaten up by a building. It seemed to take a very long time, but afterwards he was told it took only 40 seconds. He was so afraid, time was stretched out for him So, when we are troubled time gets stretched, and waiting for God to respond to our pleas and prayers is really difficult. I will try to remember that although the trouble seems to be lasting a long time, God has it under control.

I have been reading Psalm 18 with my 9 year old, and have been struck by the imagery David uses of God, breathing fire and smoke, zooming down on an angel to save his beloved from trouble. At the moment we are facing a difficult situation, and like all of you, and many others, we have gone through loss and grief and sorrow. Praise God for His comfort, which includes the comfort of sharing with brothers and sisters in Christ.
Phillipians 4:23 "The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen."




THanks for sharing all those things Lois and Mary. I think most people have experienced loss of loved ones, friends and others we know of. Loss can come in many ways, and it isn't always meaning the death of someone.

I do believe we can all have regrets, as you have shared Lois, but I also think God is bigger than our weakness, disobedience, hesitancy and failures. Sometimes when we think we have missed the boat in sharing something, God uses someone else. Although we might think our failure in a situation meant that person was lost---I think that is a burden we shouldn't be too quick to claim. God knows, and knew what we were/are about and He is more than able to accomplish His purposes with or without us. Missed blessings, missed sharing Christ and so on unfortunately are part of being human. Thankfully in Christ we are more than conquerors.

I like what you said about the Memory problems Mary. It is so true, and I think it is so easy to get caught up in the feelings and circumstance that we forget how GOd is really able and is control even when things seem to be spinning out of control. It really is about allowing Him to work through us, knowing He has hold of us and will never leave nor forsake us. What comforting thoughts, knowing even when we are weary, we will find rest and walk in victory. Praise God!

Isa 40:28 Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.
Isa 40:29 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.
Isa 40:30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:
Isa 40:31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Heb 13:5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
Heb 13:6 So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

Php 4:11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
Php 4:12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
Php 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.



3John 1:4  I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.
Isaiah 40:31  But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.


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